An Ode to Mrs Kang in ‘It's Okay to Not Be Okay’

Contains mild spoilers

On the power of home cooking, tough love and mothers.

Image via Netflix. Episode 14. What to do when a weird medley of characters move into your home? Feed them.

‘It's Okay to Not Be Okay’ is a 2020 South Korean TV series which you can find on Netflix. It was the big TV show which everyone (particularly the Subtle Asians Facebook group) were all watching and I finally caught up on it whilst recovering from COVID a while back.

This is an ode to the main mother, Mrs Kang. She’s a widow living with her daughter and rents out a room to the Moon brothers; Gang-Tae who works as a caregiver in the local psychiatric hopsital and Sang-Tae who is the older brother, is autistic and a talented artist. Mrs Kang works at the hospital as a cook. She’s the main creator of meals throughout the show - feeding dozens of people at work and for everyone living in her home.

The very first time we see her in the show, we see her generosity; joyfully cooking a large meal for her boarders to celebrate their arrival.

Image via Netflix. Episode 3. A celebration meal on the roof

Throughout the show, not only is she the source of food, but also of maternal comfort and trust. She shows love and is loved through all the meals she cooks. Everyone goes to her for food, from her daughter to the director of the psychiatric hospital. She never turns down who asks, even despite barely stifling an exasperated sigh.

All the main characters are old enough to cook for themselves and only one person is her child - she doesn’t have to cook for any of them outside of her work, but she still does. Her no nonsense love is something we can recognise in our own mothers - particularly PoC and especially fellow ESEA folks.

We have all been hungry before, but our older generations have starved. For those who have survived wars and its aftermath when they say they had nothing, they truly, truly meant nothing in the literal sense. To have plenty of food is a blessing to not be taken lightly and not to be deprived of even if someone has annoyed the hell out of you.

Ko Mun-Yeong, the famous and unstable children book's writer who has history with Mrs Kang’s daughter shows up on her doorstep unannounced, asking to use Mrs Kang’s offer of food. Mrs Kang is tired from a full day of cooking at the hospital but still makes her miyeok guk, a seaweed soup traditionally eaten on birthdays.

Image via Netflix. Episode 10. Mun-Yeong only asked for the soup but there’s still an array of side dishes.

Later in the show, Mrs Kang makes her soy sauce braised quail eggs as it’s Mun-Yeong’s favourite dish. It’s a labour intensive dish if she peels those tiny eggs herself( here’s a recipe if you’re interested). This is a lot of work for a child that isn’t hers and has pissed off everyone who knows her. Even after Gang-Tae has broken her daughter’s heart she still cooks him a large meal to eat, knowing he’s exhausted and sad. She tells him she hates him whilst removing the bones from the fish for him and puts the meat in his bowl. Her only request to repay her for her kindness and atone for what he’s done? She says; “Be born as my son in your next life. You can be a good son all your life and repay me then”.

Image via Netflix. Episode 10. “I hate you now shut up and eat my cooking.”

Mrs Kang is always worried about the characters skipping meals. It seems so trivial to be this concerned about missing a meal or two, but this is the level of care she has. The Moon brothers and Mun-Yeong have been taught to neglect themselves. To have someone who loves you enough to fuss, worry and nag you to eat, is a blessing that comes to them in the form of someone else’s mother.

She recruits the characters to form a production line, making rice balls that can be frozen and easily heated up whilst Gang-Tae and Mun-Yeong are “patching up their fight”. When Mun-Yeong won’t eat, everyone knows to direct her straight to Mrs Kang’s kitchen where her food nor her will can be defied. No one is too old to have a hot home cooked meal - she even makes one for Mr Lee, Mun-Yeong’s father who’s a patient at the hospital, and brings it to his room.

In ‘It's Okay to Not Be Okay’, home cooking is seen as a deeply valuable skill with a lot of emotional weight. To cook is to factor in the thought process behind every decision, the energy put into stirring the food, each smell and taste considered to determine if it’s good enough for the eater. A cooked meal often brings tears to the characters’s eyes.

Image via Netflix. Episode 6. Mrs Kang got up early just to make sure the boys are eating properly.

It’s a power that’s often glossed over - on screen, food is either prepared in lavish restaurant kitchens or simply appears on the table as props. For example, a common frustration with ''‘Gilmore Girls’ is how the mother and daughter duo order huge amounts of junk food and often don’t even eat it. The food is simply part of the setting. They yell at each other over the food and then run away from it.

Image via Netflix. Gilmore Girls Season 1, Episode 4. We don’t see a bite of this burger taken.

And yet, Luke cooks these meals for the woman he’s not so secretly in love with and for her child, knowing they rely on him for food. There are occasions when cooking is used to express Luke’s affectionate side - he makes coffee cake for Rory’s birthday before school, pancakes after a heartbreak. I wish they did more though. Luke is a quiet man - he’ll fix Lorelai’s entire home, build her a chuppah for her wedding to another man - so how can he say he loves her with the food he cooks for her everyday, even though it’s “just” diner food?

Mrs Kang is the only mother that cooks - we don’t see the other two mothers featured in the story do any cooking. The spicy seafood noodle dish (jjampong) associated with the Moon brothers’ mother is not cooked by her. Mun-Yeong’s mother doesn’t cook at all. The Moon brothers’ mother’s love is remembered as distant and disproportionate. Mun-Yeong’s love is cruel and controlling. Mrs Kang’s love is matter-of-fact and straightforward. She is not a mother who dutifully cooks without complaining - she has little hesitation yelling at the other characters when they get too annoying. But her love still says “of course I’ll feed you and take care of you, who else is going to? What am I supposed to do, let you starve?” It says “my love and my food is not conditional”.

Image via Netflix. Episode 5. Mrs Kang is tired of young people’s bs.

In the final episode Sang-Tae autographs his book for her, calling her “his fake-real mom” and draws many hearts across the pages. Mrs Kang is satisfied, and says all those meals she’s cooked for them was worth it.

A few weeks ago, I thank my mother over a WhatsApp call for all the meals she cooked for me when I was growing up. She replied with “ohhhhh”, and moved on, but smiled a little.

Image via Netflix. Episode 16. A whole SIX hearts of appreciation!